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Saturday, February 12, 2005

How I Discovered the 2-Step Knockout (Humor)

[This originally started as a post I began on
a forum and it was titled, "BEWARE!" If you
insist on reading while having liquid in your
mouth, please do so at your own risk.]

Subject: BEWARE!

Message: Sam Freedom has a blog.
It came as a matter of consequence.
I had irons in so many other fires,
that the only reason I started a blog
was when I set my perpetual traffic machine
in motion. And since one of the lesser
known methods incorporated was the right
use of a Blog Ad Exchange, I naturally had
to start a blog.

The Perpetual Traffic Method is about as close
to really perpetual as it comes....I've even
devised it to keep up with the current birth
rate, inversely proportionate to the amount of
people using the internet. And I've also worked
into the formula, the gradual liberation of women
from all Muslim countries which will see a huge
surge in internet use.

Also factoring in will be twice as many sea turtles
laying twice as many eggs this year thanks to a
team of scientists. This translates into a flourishing
turtle poaching community along the shores of Brazil
which means less homeless children and more turtle meat
for everyone, plus increased use of internet access.

I know that all seems very difficult to comprehend,
but imagine how *I* felt. I was painfully close to
the final product but for one peace which, owing to
a sharp knock on the skull, appeared to me out of nowhere.

It happened on a late december evening.
An icicle fell off of a brothel that I swear I was
just walking by and fortunately it half-gatored and
instead of goring my skull, it just slightly squashed it.
And I came to with a pack of 5 feral dogs gnawing on my
right leg. It wasn't so much the gnawing the bothered
me but it was the WAY they gnawed.

It reminded me of my uncle jerry when he at a lamb leg.

Anyways, so I shooed them away and, as was customary in
such situations, I proceeded to fashion a tourniquet from
a white silk tie my fiance had bought me just before she
left me for a Brazilian turtle poacher. But no sooner had
I finished tying the tourniquet then...you guessed it...

...another icicle.

Only this time, since I was closer to the ground, it had
ample time to full gator and it expressed itself as a
medieval battering ram but with the precision and strength
that only a lengthy partnership with gravity could produce.

I awoke to my left leg being gnawed by a pack of feral cats --
I'd tell you how many but there were too many to count. And it
was my left leg, so thankfully, my tie, my last memory of my
unfaithful fiancee, remained intact. And being a cat lover, I let
them gnaw for a little longer before I shooed them away, but I
invited a gentle smaller one to come back and gnaw a little longer
so it could catch up to the other cats in size.

Oh right, the missing part of the formula...

Where was I? Oh yes, so I laid back down and started to reflect
on the frostbite that was deading the nerves in my gnawed legs.
But before I was completely paralyzed and left to freeze to death,
I saw a comet in the night sky. And that's when it occurred to me.

The missing ingredient!!

You'll have to see for yourself, actually. It's in an article
titled, well, see if you can find it -- we've only just begun so
there's only 3 articles for you to peruse, but I think the very
first one you read (the 3rd one as of this writing) will be pretty
entertaining in it's own right.

The address is in the link.

Sincerely,
Sam
The Gnawed Legs Foundation

Sam Freedom"s Internet Marketing Controversy Blog

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