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Saturday, November 01, 2008

Hey Dude, Where's My Fucking Candy?

Halloween is now, officially, over. We do not need to wait for Obama to win the presidency to begin, as good citizens, implementing his wondrous and generous policies. Starting now, you can teach your children all about socialism by dumping out all their Halloween candy on the bed and explaining to them that since there are poor children in the neighborhood, they have no choice but to give them a portion of their candy.

Tell them this is not a choice. You are mandating it. Explain that "sharing" is a good thing so you are forcing it on them for their own good.

Explain to your children that if they have under 10 pieces of candy, they not only get to keep it all, but they'll be the lucky ones to get extra candy from all the kids who walked around many neighborhoods and worked so hard at collecting lots of it. If that applies to your child, you just explain that it's not their fault their little legs couldn't keep up with all those bigger, more fit, children. So, their parents will be forcing them to give some of their candy with you.

If your child has over 10 pieces, but under 50, you explain that they just made it in under the wire and that their mediocre effort will be sufficient enough to prevent them from having to give more than 35% of it away to the kids in the neighborhood who suffered from Xbox addiction and were too obese to walk around the neighborhood collecting candy. This is not a choice, it's a mandate. We don't want our neighbors getting too depressed.

If your child has over 50 pieces, calmly explain that he or she is fucked. Try to use gentler terminology when doing so but, as soon as they see their hard-earned candy heading out the door to some lazy, fat fuck who didn't do a single thing for it, it won't even matter what you're saying. The tears and sobbing will drown you out and not only will they not give a damn crap about how "good" it is to share, but they'll hate the concept for the rest of their lives and they'll resent all the lazy bastards who know that by not lifting a finger, they'll end up with your child's candy.

And, soon enough, your child will become one of them.

Everyone who wants to make money online should be concerned,
Happy Halloween!

Sam Freedom"s Internet Marketing Controversy Blog

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19 comments:

Anthony at Work-at-home-Wealth.com said...

Haha! Loved this post! :)
I should add, if you want to get a glimpse on the USA under socialist policies, just look towards my country (Uruguay).

We are [sarcasm]enjoying[/sarcasm] a socialist government since 2005 and they are using the policies you are depicting in your post almost to the letter.

As a result, the middle class is being f*ked so hard that people who still have an entrepreneurial spirit are leaving the country in droves since then.

Most of them used to go to the USA, where they knew that through hard work they could achieve their dreams... but after these elections, that no longer be the same I guess.

David said...

LOL...I am totally re-posting this on Twitter! LOVE the analogy to Halloween candy. Let's hope that helps explains things to others who might not "get it" otherwise!

Sam Freedom said...

Glad you both liked it. Thanks for the repost, David, and thanks, Anthony, for a very good analogy that adds a greater sense of depth to the situation --- that Uraguayans would come here hoping for a better life based on their efforts -- now, only to find things might not be much different.

michaelway said...

You should run for politics - what every country needs is someone to tell it how it is, not in political speak, but in a language that the man (or woman) on the street can understand. But then again, there is no money in politics - unless of course it comes in brown paper bags under the table.

Whilst I am an entrepreneur, I do have a small socialist streak in my heart as I believe that we should help those that can't help themselves - yeah I know - where or who is going to draw the line.

Anyway, would love to read your candy/child level explanation of capitalism - that would give the blog some political balance.

Black Woman Thinks said...

Oh, dearie me.

Where do I start? In fact, I don't think I will!

I have accepted your ad on my blog in the interest of airing all views...thanks for your support.

Thanks again,
Zee.

Anti said...

Since when did it become "fair" to steal from your neighbor just because he happens to have more than you?

If people think there is an economic crises now, just wait until "Atlas Shrugs".

Nick K. said...

Well, you know, as Nader said, in US if you're poor and need some help from your gov. you are reminded that you live in a capitalist society - Yoyo- You are On Your Own. But for all the corporate crooks, there is a secret door to Socialism - need help? come over, we'll bail you out.
Think about it.

sun security said...

This is a good analogy for Obama's plan. I was at a restaurant and my young waitress was singing his praises so I told her I was going to give her tip to the begger on the corner. She was not too happen to share when she realized it was going to actually come out of her pocket.

steven wilson said...

Sam you hit this one right on the spot.What a clever way to explain Obamas plan.

Sam Freedom said...

@MichaelWay - glad you liked it. I don't have a candy/child explanation of Capitalism because we're in it, and it works. This bailout stuff is an exception, albeit a huge one, but it is not the rule.

People generally don't care about what works as long as it works. What they need to be warned about is that which might look tempting, but definitely will not work -- like socialism -- so that's why I wrote this

@BlackWomanThinks - thank you for having accepting my ad even though you disagree with me... that shows maturity and courage.

@Anti - some call it "stealing", others call it "spreading the wealth"... either way, it's a dangerous line to walk because it easily sends the message that ambition and innovation do not pay as well as sitting on your ass, playing Xbox, eating junk food and harboring illegal aliens.

@Nick - no doubt there are corporate crooks but there's an important distinction to be made here. First, what you are alluding to DOES happen but for minorities who seem, historically, poorer... it's called AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. And it's where we insist on job quotas where potentially less qualified minorities get good paying jobs over more-qualified white people just because of race.

Second, the "corporate socialism" to which you refer to in your attempt to suggest injustice is a must-come-first because it is big business that provides so many of those poor people with signicant job opportunities. If the individual goes, it's sad, but non-critical as relates the bigger picture. But if the big business goes, then a lot of those individuals go along with it... and it just continues to ripple out.

Hence, to staunch the bleeding, corporate handouts must, as a general rule, come before individual handouts. Now, if due to mismanagement a corporation is doing horribly, then conditions need to be placed on such handouts.

The above described is what you and I should only happen as a "necessary evil."

@SunSecurity - you should have added that since she'd be out on the street shortly, she should have nothing to fear since good people like you would be giving other waitresses' tips to her.

@SteveWilson - thanks, it just came naturally. I try to take difficult concepts and just break them down into simple ingrained things to which we can all relate.

Cheers...

Clancy said...

What about the people who populate countries that don't even have basic health services?
Would you prefer to keep your candy and see them die rather than give up your candy to help them live?
And what about the conglomorate corporations that have the law on their sides, the types of businesses that determine what we buy, what we eat, how much the primary producers get paid and how much we pay for it(so they get a fat profit). Should they be allowed to keep all their candy?
While they feed you the subgrade candy that's left over? They won't be giving it to you tho...they'll make you pay for the subgrade candy and tell you it's premium.
You are delusional. The selfish focus of this article is the reason that the public are being fucked over by the spin doctors and PR agents. Thanks.

Sam Freedom said...

Clancy,

If you want to GIVE to those 3rd world countries out of the goodness of your ever-loving heart, then go ahead and do so. And you know what? Maybe I'll even do it with ya. In fact, maybe I'm already doing it.

But, in the meanwhile, it's very simple, you and the government need to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WALLET!

Now, go back to blaming your spouse for your own inadequacies. You already have a track record of success with that.

Sam

Sam Freedom said...

Clancy,

If you want to GIVE to those 3rd world countries out of the goodness of your ever-loving heart, then go ahead and do so. And you know what? Maybe I'll even do it with ya. In fact, maybe I'm already doing it.

But, in the meanwhile, it's very simple, you and the government need to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WALLET!

Now, go back to blaming your spouse for your own inadequacies. You already have a track record of success with that.

Sam

350-050 said...

According to my point of views, it is a fine equivalence for Obama's preparation. You did really well man. What a intellectual approach to give details of Obama plan. I like that.

Anonymous said...

This is rather retarded. Let's play the capitalism game! First, take a bunch of land by force (the founding of this nation). Then, as you choose, "rent" it out to those who you deem worthy. Then, those people can "pay" people to toil their land, why they sip fine whiskey from a glass. Perfecto!

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