SCHMUCK ALERT!! What's So Bad About Marketing on TWITTER?!

WTF? Someone, please pinch me. I MUST be dreaming...

It wasn't even 24hrs ago that I dared to hop on Twitter again (excuse me for a moment while I trigger BIZ STONE 's Google Alert... thank you) after a blessed couple of months away. Now, I know most of you are convinced that Twitter is the greatest things since sliced bread because a few "movers and shakers", coupled with the news-hungry media, (ignoring all possible downsides), keep pounding "the greatness" of Twitter into your vacuous skulls every chance they get (oh, how cool, I Twittered Rick Sanchez on CNN!!!). But, all Twitter is really good for is lining you all up like ducks in a row, or fish in a barrel, for some HEAVY-DUTY data mining so the REAL marketers can "slice, dice and filet" you as they wish.

I know that sounded like a lot to take in, but collect your attention and READ IT AGAIN.

So, I twitted out how disconcerting I found all the "Free CRAP!" people were giving away as inducements to their, most likely, CRAPPY products and programs -- after all, "the fish rots from the head back" so, crappy incentive comes from crappy planning likely leads to crappy products and programs -- and I got a reply from @PeteMoring telling me that I was underestimating people.

Oh Yea, Like That's Gonna Happen...

Folks, with the same unabashed confidence of the controversial Rush Limbaugh, I know greatness when I see it. And, likewise, I know crap when I see it. And the bulk of internet marketing is not about being GREAT because the masses are just so predictably ignorant and demanding. In fact, if I told you some of the stuff that the "big dogs" have said to me behind the scenes about their customers, it'd make your jaw drop.

So, anyways, I told Pete that, perhaps, he was underestimating me because, quite frankly, I don't make such observations lightly.

So Then, What's It About This Time?

Ok, as much as I might sound as if I enjoy doing this, I don't. If a marketer is attempting to over-hype something in a smart-aleck, "I think I'm clever." kind of way, I do. But when SINCERE people smog up the web with crappy marketing, I actually feel a little bad for them -- and this is one of those times.

Alright, I'm gonna cut to the chase...
(and I ain't sellin ya ANYTHING!)

One of the tweets I saw on Twitter read like this:

Please ReTweet this to your IM interested friends. JV invites to pre-launch here: (link removed) scheduled end of the month

Please ReTweet this to your friends? Is that how we market now? Is this what Seth Godin (Google Alert!) meant by "permission based marketing?" You get a whole bunch of people to follow you on Twitter, ignoring the fact that they're probably following 1,000 other people, and then you steadily drip them with mild pleas to annoy their followers who are presumably following 1000s of other people all doing the same thing to each other all the time and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

And because some schmuck with a large following and a microphone has better reach than most people, he tells everyone that doing that is the way to go, and everyone does it and what a big ass clusterfuck it becomes where, YET AGAIN, 99% of the clueless schmucks make next to nothing and 1% get lucky enough to get the early bird and make a car payment.

And the program owner, whoever that might be, makes more money than the their followers, but it's still a pittance compared to what GREAT marketing can bring in; yet they're happy with it because they, too, were once a clueless schmuck... except the only thing that has changed since then is that they have a clue.

BUT THEY'RE STILL A SCHMUCK!

Sam
ps. CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT! What follows is the specific page that inspired this blog post. http://90percentattitude.com/index.php?action=affsignup I have no affiliation with it, whatsoever. But, if you can tell even one thing that is drastically wrong with it, I will give you a choice of helpful products for free...

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Warning! Big Twitter Is Watching YOU!

BIG TWITTER IS WATCHING YOU.

"5.  ...pages on other websites which display data hosted on Twitter.com must provide a link back to Twitter."

Ok, Here Ya Go - Link to Twitter

The De-Tweetification of Sam Freedom

Those of you who have not warmed up to me yet will find this next bit, doubtlessly, enjoyable.

About 2-3 days ago, it became obvious to me that my Twitter tweets were no longer working.  I'd attempt to send them and they would just quietly disappear into Twitter nothingness.  I thought Twitter, being as bug-riddled as it is, was merely having a youthful version of a senior moment - so I figured a couple hours and she'd be right as rain.

I Was Wrong.

Tweet after tweet became forever lost in the Twitter Abyss so off to Twitter support I went to craft my crafty request....

Turn Me Back On, Now

I mused that, perhaps, one of their over-zealous, support staff had spied my "Further Exploition via Data Mining on Twitter" and began to have hallucinations of young exploited Indian children laboring over piles of freshly woven socks in some underground sweatshop.  So I made it clear that I had included the precise definition of "exploit" in the article which reads "to gain an advantage", which we are all pretty much trying to do anyways.

So I Was Met With The Following

Hello Sam,

Thanks for your email. One or more of these things may cause your profile to be flagged for review:

1. you've followed a large number of people in a short amount of time
2. there is a small number of followers compared to number of people you're following
3. the updates consist mainly of links and not personal updates
4. a large number of users blocking the profile and writing in with spam complaints

When this happens, we suspend the account temporarily and hide the contents from the public timeline in order to remove the cause of user complaint. We like to keep the Twitter community more based on personal updates rather than links, and ask that you manage your content according to this. I can turn your profile on for your current followers, but we'll monitor the profile and if complaints continue we'll have to turn it off again. Thanks for your understanding in this matter,

Well, First Of All, Twitter Can Go Suck An Egg

Lest some passer-by without a set of his or her own think Twitter "has the right" to do whatever they want because they own it.  Sure, just like I have the right to invite you in my house and then kick you out because you ate only my green M&Ms.  We do, but presenting themselves as "social media" which is largely about "the conversation", they sure fell short of the mark.

But in case you still don't get it, let me dissect that sterile reply for you line by line:

you've followed a large number of people in a short amount of time

No kidding:  "Quick Tip on How to Get Followers on Twitter, Fast!"  Not only was I not hiding that fact, but also never found even a remote reference to any such nonsense in your terms of service; which, by the way, is far out of the way on the bottom of the inner FAQ pages.  And whose fault is that anyways since you not only make it effortless to view everyone's "Following" list but also to FOLLOW them?  Doesn't it make sense that someone we find very interesting might have good taste in who they follow, so that we might want to get to know them, too? 

So instead of interfering with my social experience, why don't you do what the big boys do and either add captcha or respond with a nice notice that says something like, "Hey!  Slow Down!  You're following too fast."  That would be cool.  But interfering with the social experience of innocent users is not.

 

there is a small number of followers compared to number of people you're following

This is just plain disappointing coming from an alleged "social" media provider.  Are you really saying that because someone dares to actually follow a large amount of people before they've gained a massive following of their own, they're somehow violating TOS or tripping red flags?  Why don't you do what the big boys do and rather than interfering with my social experience, at least provide some kind of a heads-up that such a red flag even exists.

Believe me, it's preferable to having the Twitter Gestapo kick down peoples' doors in the middle of the night because their merry band of followers is somehow insufficient to allow them to follow X amount of people.  I guess unpopular Twitterers are pretty much screwed once they follow that Xth person.

It's also not our fault that you haven't given us a way to MASS UNFOLLOW people who aren't following us in return.  To unfollow all those people would take well over a day because you haven't made it possible to unfollow en masse.  But you certainly made it possible to be penalized for not doing it.

the updates consist mainly of links and not personal updates

Now we're getting somewhere.  This point is ap-kray (crap).  It has NOTHING to do with LINKS.  First of all, a lot of MY followers were introduced to Twitter, or my Twitter existence, via MY blog on which I had been ADVERTISING for Twitter pretty much for FREE.  Remember, that's how you got to be so big in the first place.  Second, if this were REALLY about LINKS, then you'd have to shut down Robert Scoble's link dump account and Seesmic and so many other people whose 1000000s of links are passing through the public timeline RIGHT NOW.

So links only bother you unless it clearly benefits you to be associated with the person dumping tons of links.  That's fine, but at least fully disclose that.  Just say somewhere that it's ok for Robert Scoble and anyone else who brought you 1000s of followers to flood Twitter with links but everyone else should be concerned about tripping red flags and getting their tweets shut off.  No problem.  Just make it clear. 

And, by the way, I have no remorse for tweeting 5 or 6 links for the hour or 2 following each of my blog posts.  AFTER ALL, that IS where I met many of my followers.  Links by ME to MY BLOG which has INSPIRED people to some cooler ways of benefitting from Twitter, should be a lot less offensive than 1000s of links by other users going to other sites including competitors.

Or maybe you are saying that your vision for Twitter should be limited to 100000s of people talking about useless nonsense like how they're enjoying their coffee without ever pointing to an external site.. .well, not too much anyways.  Which is kind of a funny thing since we're on the internet.

a large number of users blocking the profile and writing in with spam complaints

Well, was it that?  And if so, don't those complainers have a BLOCK button?  Were there REALLY spam complaints?  And did you REALLY review them? And why didn't you, at least, send a nice note explaining, "Hey, we've suspended your account due to a couple of spam complaints.  We're sorry but give us a day or two to review them and figure out if they have merit."

But you just shut off my tweets and said nothing.  So instead of interfering with my social experience, why don't you do like the big boys do and tell people to BLOCK or UNFOLLOW someone first and then see if the complaints continue.

Now let's go over the basic terms and see if I'm still a Tweeter in good standing:

Twitter's Basic Terms

• You must be 13 years or older to use this site.

Check, I think.

• You are responsible for any activity that occurs under your screen name.

Check.  Except when the devil makes me "do it."

• You are responsible for keeping your password secure.

Check.  I'll make sure my anti-virus definitions are up-to-date.

• You must not abuse, harass, threaten, impersonate or intimidate other Twitter users.

Check, but I'm trying really hard to hold back right now.

• You may not use the Twitter.com service for any illegal or unauthorized purpose. International users agree to comply with all local laws regarding online conduct and acceptable content.

Check, I'm no longer acquainted with members of the Medallin cartel.

• You are solely responsible for your conduct and any data, text, information, screen names, graphics, photos, profiles, audio and video clips, links ("Content") that you submit, post, and display on the Twitter.com service.

Check, but if something about this rule drew the red flag, I'd probably have agreed.

• You must not modify, adapt or hack Twitter.com or modify another website so as to falsely imply that it is associated with Twitter.com .

Check, I'm scrapping the TWAMBLA website I had in mind.

• You must not create or submit unwanted email to any Twitter members ("Spam").

Check.  But if I actually had their emails that might be a different story.

• You must not transmit any worms or viruses or any code of a destructive nature.

Check, except the ones you give me.

• You must not, in the use of Twitter, violate any laws in your jurisdiction (including but not limited to copyright laws).

Check.  Looks like I'm moving to Nevada.

So Then What's The Problem, Twitter? 

A little overzealous are we?  Micro-managing things just a little too much, maybe?  Just a big twit in a little roost, huh?

Well, If You Can't Handle the Tweet, Twitter, Then Get Out of the Twittin'...!

Now, If You Want to See Some REAL Spam, click here.

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